How to Handle Confrontation

From my old blog…

Over the past 10 plus years in student ministry I have had my fair share of conflicts. With every conflict come confrontation. Confrontation is the only way to deal with any major conflict. Failure to confront an issue can result in having unhealthy staff relations, splintering leadership teams, and hurt individuals. Over the years I have learned valuable lessons on how to handle conflict and confrontation from my mentors, God’s Word, articles, and of course personal experience. Here are some steps to consider when dealing with conflict and confrontation.

1. Pray – I know it seems like the simple thing to say, but countless times I have found myself reacting to something without praying about it. I have talked to various youth leaders who are going through a conflict in their ministry and I ask them, “Have you prayed over this” and their response is something like, “I did when I first heard about it, but not really since.” Many times we get so busy doing things and “fixing” things that we forget to pray and ask God for His wisdom and His guidance in dealing with the situation.

2. Find a sounding board – Find someone who you can simply share openly with and allow yourself to rant a little about the situation. You will be surprised at how God sometimes will speak to you as you are speaking out loud regarding the situation. This person should be a very trusted and confidential source. Someone you already share life with and who you know will not share what you speak of.

3. Get advice from others – God tells us that if we lack wisdom then all we have to do is ask for it. I believe that many times God give me wisdom during my prayer time, but He has also granted me wisdom through talking to my sounding board or by talking to my pastor or other wise individuals in my church family. Seek wisdom from those who have been there before you.

4. Write out your thoughts – This may vary from issue to issue and will be dependent upon the serverity of the issue. For me I have written out many conflict analysis over the years but I have also simply skipped this step because it wasn’t necessary for the issue at hand. Writing out your thoughts either word for word or in outline form will give you an aid to use when you begin to discuss the issue.

5. Get the facts – We all know that there are two sides to every story. In fact, as my experience has shown me I find that depending on the issue we may even find more than two sides to the story. Take the time to research and get the facts straight before making your decision.

6. Make an action plan – What steps are you going to take next? Is discipline needed and if so what type? Do you need to have a meeting with parents or entire families? Make a plan of your next steps so you can easily follow through.

7. Discuss the conflict – When you reach this step be prepared to talk about the conflict and stay away from attacking the person or family. Even if what they did was stupid – avoid telling them that they are stupid. It doesn’t help the situation at all. Address the issue only.

8. Take the high road – in almost every confrontation I have ever been a part of, the opportunity has come up where I could have defended myself and said some things that would have been hurtful (but true) about the other people involved. Taking the high road means to let them speak and share their anger or frustration and swallow your desire to “retaliate”.

9. Forgive as Christ forgives – We as leaders must model this. Even if the conflict has hurt you or the ministry that God has given to you we must forgive those involved. We must seek to have all parties in the conflict forgive each other but we also must understand that not everyone will at first, if at all. We must model the forgiveness and let God work in the hearts of others.

10. Evaluate – After every major (and minor) conflict we should take time to evaluate the process. We must ask tough questions and be real with our answers. Did I handle the conflict in a Biblical manner? Did I gossip about this to anyone? Did I treat all parties with love and respect? Am I at fault for this issue? What can I learn from this conflict that can make me better in the future?

Two warnings when dealing with confrontation:

1. Avoid the online discussions – keep conflict offline. Once something is posted online it’s viral and can create many more problems. When you see conflict online, attempt to get it offline and discussing it person to person. When I say online I am referring to social networking sites as well as texting and email. Anything that take the emotion out of the conversation is dangerous and can cause major problems. Healthy confrontation happens person to person where emotions are heard and seen.

2. Protect your spouse – Be sure that you are not placing your spouse in the battle zone by what you are sharing with them. Our spouses are our #1 supporter in ministry – this means that when they feel that we are being attacked, they can easily become our #1 defender and thus becoming an enemy of those who we are working to deal with the conflict. Be sure your spouse is safe and not in the battle field.

This blog was written as part of the following blog: http://www.studentministry.org

A Missing Relationship

From my old blog…

As I was preparing to write something for this month’s newsletter, I came across a very good article about a missing relationship. This article was written by Andrew Hedges, Associate Pastor of Family Ministry at Morning Star Baptist Church in Centerville, Ohio. Please take two minutes and read this article:

Relationships are essential to life. No one knows this better than teenagers, and youth workers seem to be aware of this. We often provide creative activities to promote teen-peer relationships and word hard to build relationship between ourselves and individual students, but we are still missing a key connection.

In ministering to middle school students, I’ve seen their need and desire for companionship. They are excited to find someone — anyone — who will accept them as they are in spite of the confusion they are experiencing in their changing bodies and minds. My heart goes out to them, and I want so much to be a friend in this wonderful time of growth and change. While I can endeavor to meet this need a couple times a week, there is someone who can do this every day.

In a recent ethnography I completed of middle school students in my community, I found that almost 100 percent of the teens interviewed counted their parents as the number one place to go for advice, support and answers to life’s greatest questions. A few listed a religious leader, and only one ranked a teacher in the top three. In fact, many of the middle schoolers even said their favorite place to hang out with friends was at their own home.

Researcher Christian Smith has said, “A parent is the most important pastor a teenager will ever have.” Of course, this only makes sense. God had planned it that way from the beginning. He gave the responsibility of spiritual growth and guidance to the parents (Deut. 6).

Did you know that the greatest responsibility you will ever have will be to raise the children God has given you? Did you know that you and you alone have the greatest influence on your children and what they will become? Did you know that even as messed up as our world is, that parents who seek after God and teach their children to do the same will raise children to be difference makers for God’s Kingdom.

It is my heart’s desire for parents to be that spiritual leader that God has called us to. Now that I have two young children I am realizing more and more how it feels to be a parent who simply doesn’t have all the answers. I know that as parents many times the very reason why we don’t take the spiritual leadership position in our home is simple – we don’t know how to do it. We ask ourselves, what do we do? How do we do it? What if they ask me a question I don’t know the answer to?

As a father, I desire for my children to remember me as a father who loved them, taught them, and led them as instructed by God. I don’t want my children to remember me just as a hard worker, good speaker, or an energetic youth leader. Even though working hard is important and is something I hope they will see is what God desires from us, I want them to remember me foremost based on what I did at home when no one was looking but my family.

I challenge you today to be the parent God wants you to be. Let us join forces and once again focus our attention on the thing we can influence the most – our children. May we raise them, challenge them, and equip them to be all that God desires them to be.

I close with this – as one parent to another – you are not alone. As a friend – we are in this together. As a pastor – how can we help equip you to be the parent God desires you to be? Our staff truly does desire to have a healthy family ministry here at Northcliffe. Whatever we can do to help you raise children in the ways of God, we want to partner with you to do it.

Winning the Battle over Pornography

From my old blog…

Pornography continues to claim the minds of students, adults, and even ministers around the world. I must admit, I have had my fair share of pornography struggles over the years. For many years I attempted to overcome this addiction on my own only to find myself constantly feeling defeated and believing I was a failure. Overtime, I have found that creating safety nets and placing barriers in my life have helped me to begin claiming victory over pornography. I say “begin claiming victory” because I feel that this is a battle that will go on as long as I am alive. I don’t believe that pornography will ever go away. With each new year the porn industry continues to grow and continues to captivate the minds of men. This is a battle that must be fought daily.

Here are a few steps you can take if you desire to win the battle over pornography. These steps are from personal experience and conversations with others who have fought in this battle.

1. Admit You Have an Addiction

This may be harder than you think. The first step to overcoming a problem is admitting that you actually have one. You must identify that you are weak in this area and that you can’t defeat it. When you admit you can’t defeat it on your own, you have admitted that you are addicted to it. This will set the course of action you need to take.

2. Share with other trusted men

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” James 5:16

Pornography is something that should be treated as any other serious addiction. Addictions have power over people. You can’t defeat this addiction on your own. Share your struggles with a couple of trusted men whom you believe can help you through your addiction.

3. Create an accountability partnership with those men

Accountability partners need to be people who are 100% committed to helping you through your struggle. Most accountability partners start off strong but end after a few weeks because they get tired of asking the tough questions. Find people who will journey through this with you and who will stay committed for the long haul. Female friends or spouses are not good choices for accountability partners because they don’t fully understand all that we struggle with and sharing these types of details with a female friend can lead to situations neither of you desire to be in. I have had multiple accountability partners over the years but none were worth anything until they actually asked me difficult questions.

4. Set up accountability software on ALL your computers

* xxxchurch.com – free software download
* CovenantEyes.com. – about $8/month, but it’s absolutely worth it.

5. Read and Pray.

God’s Word is full of examples of how God brought victory in people’s lives when they felt defeated. We read stories about an army of hundreds defeating armies of thousands, city walls falling down at the sound of trumpets, a small boy defeating a great giant, and so much more. When we spend time reading the victorious stories of God and we spend time praying for victory in our own struggles, God will provide. When we understand His faithfulness and His power, we begin to believe that victory is possible in our battle as well.

6. Know where you’re weak and avoid those situations

I realized that for me personally I was weakest when I was alone, tired, stressed out, traveling, etc. I had to make drastic changes in my life to avoid placing myself in dangerous situations. I no longer travel alone to conferences, speaking engagements, etc. If I do have to travel alone, I take measures like asking for no TV in my room or unplugging the TV and leaving the laptop in the car. When you are home alone or tired, leave the house, exercise, or do whatever you need to do in order to avoid the situations you know you are weak in.

7. Celebrate.

Create a special code or symbol that you can mark on a calendar for each day, week, month, etc that you go without viewing porn. Go celebrate with your accountability partners when you reach milestones you preset. For some, celebrating a week of being porn free is needed. Then move on to two weeks, a month, two months, etc. Celebrate with a soda or ice cream or go enjoy a hobby together. The important thing in that you realize that you are taking great leaps in claiming victory over this addiction and you are celebrating the successes in this journey.

8. Keep your guard up.

As you begin claiming victory over this addiction, it can become easier and easier to believe that you have defeated it. Never let your guard down. You will never be immune to this temptation for the rest of your life. You and I are always at risk of falling into the trap of pornography. When we are successful for a long period of time, we begin to form a sense of pride and self-confidence. The book of Proverbs teaches us that pride comes before the fall. Be careful when you being feeling like you have it all under control. That is when you will be tempted. Remember who and what has got you to where you are and continue following that.

9. Stay in constant contact and be real.

You should make it a priority to daily send a note to all your accountability partners. In today’s society you can do this through email, facebook, txt messages, etc. This is just a quick note telling your partners your status and thanking them for their support in your life. You must remember that your partners are supporting you and in order to support you, you must remain open, honest, and real with them. These daily checkups will help you remain real and honest. Don’t lie to your partners; it will only end up hurting you as they will not be able to support you the way they need to.

10. Remember this is a process.

You did not get to where you are overnight and you will not be free from this addiction overnight. I once heard that “you must walk out of the woods just as far as you walked into them”. Basically it is just a reminder that if we journey deep into this addiction, than we must journey back through the depths to reach the surface again. Don’t beat yourself up and sit in despair if and when you fall victim to this addiction. Get up, dust yourself off, and start from the top.

When you feel defeated and don’t see a hope, remember the power in this verse:

Matthew 19:26 (NIV)

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Lessons from Disney

From old blog…

Last week my family took a vacation to Walt Disney World. While visiting Disney, my wife and I were talking while walking from the monorail and the thought came up, “what if Christians had a Disney mentality”. The idea behind our discussion was how when we left a show (Finding Nemo The Musical), we were saying “wow, that was great, but that’s Disney what else should we expect?” How awesome would it be if people would walk out of our worship services and church functions and say “wow, that was awesome, but that is God what else should we expect?”

This discussion has stayed in my mind the past few days as I have continued to think about the Disney mentality. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that we have to become a show for all people. But I am suggesting that Disney may have somethings we can learn from. Over the next few posts , I will show you some of the plaques that are plastered all over the Disney parks as they renovate and build onto their theme parks. I believe we as Christians can learn something from each of them.

building

Obviously Walt Disney was referring to when going into a building project. However, as Christians we too must realize that when going into a project whether it is building a new building or addition, or if it’s a parenting project, missions project, fundraisers, etc. We must believe in that project all the way and believe that we can do it the right way (God’s way).

changing

I love this quote. With the ever-changing world that we live in, we must stay focused on the future as well. Our future is the eternity and thus we must realize that all that we do here on earth can and should have eternal impact. With a culture that is always changing, we must stay ahead of the curve to try to stay relevant and real to those who we are trying to reach.

doing the impossible

I love the thought process of Walt Disney. “It’s kinda fun to do the impossible.” How fun would it be for us as Christians to do the impossible? Jesus tells us in Matthew 19:26 “with God all things are possible.” In these economical tough times let us remember that with God all things are possible. If we are faithful to Him, He is faithful to us. In our personal lives, family lives, and church, God is faithful and He will provide.

Carried by the Father

Copied from old blog…

On any given Sunday I usually find myself arriving home from church with my son sound asleep in his car seat. Each time I open the back door, unbuckle him from his seat, pick him up and place him on my shoulder. I then manage to enter the house, slip off his shoes and socks, go upstairs to his bedroom and place him in his bed. I finish the routine by covering him with his blanket and placing his puppy next to him.

As I think about it, what I do each Sunday is a good illustration as to what Moses reminds the Israelite people in Deuteronomy 1:31 when hes says, “There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.”

You see, Moses was reminding the people that God carried them in there times of need until they reached the place He wanted for them. In my situation each week, I carry my son to the place of safety, comfort, and peace for him. The same is true for what God does for each of us if we rely on Him.

When we are tired, weary, and can’t go on, remember that God can. He will pick you up and carry you to safety, rest, and peace. When life seems overwhelming, remember that God is the giver of peace, understanding, and comfort. May God grant you what you need today and if needed, may He carry you to where you need to go.

Cell Phones – Conversation Killers?

Copied from old blog…

This morning I was listening to the JoyFM and they were talking about cell phones and how they are conversation killers. I wasn’t able to listen to the entire conversation because I had to go into a doctor’s office but the idea did hit home with me because I do believe that cell phones today can cause conversations to be shallow, broken, and even killed.

How many times have you been talking to someone and your phone vibrate or ring only to pull your phone out look at it and maybe even reply to a text or answer a call? In that very moment the person who you were in a conversation with must feel as if they are not important. At least I know how I feel when it happens to me.

I am a fan of smart phones. I love the flexibility they offer and the ability we have to find things and show them to others. I think that they can in fact help us in conversations as well but that is an entirely different post. Here are some things to consider when you are using cell phones:

1. When you are in a conversation with someone ignore the phone. I know it’s hard but in that moment the conversation at hand should be more important than the text that just came in.

2. Set a special ringtone for family members so that you can tell if it is family calling you. If you family calls you back to back times it is most likely an emergency and you can simply ask your friend to wait for a second to take that call. We don’t want to miss emergencies but this would be the rare exception.

3. If you pull your phone out to show a photo, website, video, etc while in the conversation, immediatly put it away when you are done. This shows the other person that they are now the center of attention and not the phone.

4. If you know you are expecting a call from someone simply inform the person you are entering a conversation with that you are expecting a call. This tells them up front that you may have to step away at any given point to take a call. This helps create a safe feeling where they don’t feel unimportant when the phone rings.

5. Lastly, if at all possible just turn your phone on silent if you are going to be having a serious conversation with someone. Nothing is worse than getting to a serious point in a conversation only to be interrupted by a loud techno song or some other annoying ring tone.

The overall thought behind this post is to simply treat those people who are face to face with you with respect. We should respect their time, what they are saying, and what they need. Remember they are the ones whom we have the greatest chance to impact in that very moment – not the person on the cell phone. Take time to actually be present (both physically and mentally) with that person and when you are done, return the phone call or the text message – that is the sole purpose of voice mail isn’t it?

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12 NIV

Halloween at the Parks

Copied from old blog…

Halloween seems to have become a very popular holiday. But I wonder how many people are aware of the history behind the pagan holiday. (If you aren’t, I encourage you to Google it. You may be surprised at what you learn.)

This past week, I’ve been bombarded with advertisements for “Howl-0-Screem,” “Halloween Horror Nights” and the like. These family-friendly theme parks become not so family friendly during this time of year. Both events have been rated PG-13 (though some would argue it’s worse.) Here is just a sample of what these parks are doing in 2010 according to about.com:

Halloween Horror Nights – Universal Studios

The eight haunted houses at the 2010 Halloween Horror Nights will have the following themes:

* Zombiegeddon- Zombies are always a load of fun, right?
* Catacombs: Black Death Rising- Quarantined citizens who suffered from a plague in the 16th Century are mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore!
* Havoc: Dogs of War- A special corps of mutant soldiers are on the loose.
* Horror Nights: The Hallow’d Past- This is where the old gang of HHN sickos will reconvene.
* Hades: The Gates of Ruin- What’s HHN without a visit from the devil?
* Legendary Truth: The Wyandot Estate- The problem with reaching out to the spirit world is that sometimes the spirits return the call.
* Psychoscarepy: Echoes of Shadybrook- A haunted former insane asylum.
* The Orfanage: Ashes to Ashes- Little Orphan Cindy is one demented kid.

Using enhancements like theatrical fog and inspired props, Universal will undoubtedly do its usual incredible job making over the park with distinct scare zones. And you can count on ghouls lurking around every corner. Dare to enter the 2010 event’s scare zones:

* Zombie Gras – Mardi Gras gone wrong.
* Saws ‘n Steam- Beware the folks with the saws.
* HHN: 20 Years of Fear- Another alumni gathering.
* Fear Revealed- This is where the Fear dude comes to life.
* Esqueleto Muerte- Death comes to life.
* The Coven- Witches are always ready for a good time

Howl-O-Screem at Busch Gardens

The zoo/ride park hybrid will transform itself each evening during Howl-O-Scream with the girl-rock-band-gone-horribly-wrong theme, “My X” The event will include monster-infested scare zones, haunted houses, live music, and Halloween-themed shows. Among the haunts will be Nightshade Toy Factory, Trapped in the Walls, and Taste of Blood.

Busch Gardens is trying something new this year called the Alone House. As the name suggests, instead of going through a haunted maze with the security of your friends and other guests, for an extra fee ($34.95 at the park, $24.95 online), you have to tough it out on your own.

So how do we, as followers of Jesus Christ, respond to something that celebrates and encourages fear, violence, evil, murder, and death?

Ephesians 4:32 tells us to be kind and compassionate. Zechariah 8:17 says “do no plot evil against your neighbor.” 2 Timothy 2:22 says, “Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” And Jesus himself tells us that we are to love God first and love our neighbors as our self.

If Scripture clearly tells us that God is a god of love, and that we are to love others as Christ loves us, then why would we willingly place ourselves in places where love is not present? We are called to reflect Christ in all we do.

Scripture tells us to do everything for the glory of God. As much as I enjoy hanging with friends, having a good time, and even being a little crazy, I think we must pause and ask ourselves if participating in such events brings honor to God—or disgrace.

Balancing Ministry With My Personal Life

Recently I was asked how I balance the demands of a large student ministry with the demands of a healthy personal and family life. Here are the basic points I discussed with my friend in ministry:

Ministry is demanding regardless of the size of your youth group. If you have a group of ten or a group of five hundred the demands are still present. Obviously the larger the group the more sporting events, band competitions, dramas, musicals, parties, etc come with it. However, hopefully you have a healthy team of committed adults who understand the vision and importance of being with students on their turf and they are out there helping you accomplish this demand.

With that said, I did give the following suggestions when trying to balance your personal time and your ministry time.

1. Calendar Family Days – we calendar everything don’t we? I just finished my 2010 – 2011 ministry calendar. I know where we are going to camp, mission trips, retreats, conferences, and I even have sermon series planned out for the next few months. When I was planning our yearly calendar I brought my wife into the process and we planned our family vacations, personal days, etc. We try to plan once a month for my wife and I to have a date night without the kids. We also try to plan once a month kid night where each of us take one of our children and we go do something special with them. Family time is important and if we don’t plan it and mark it on the calendars, we will fill it with something else.

2. Commit to it – We all know that ministry will throw us curveballs which will cause us to drop everything and respond to a crisis need. However, outside of emergencies, we really have to stay committed to our family time. I’m not perfect at this but I need to continue to focus on it. Think about it, would we ever just cancel our retreat because something else popped up we wanted to do? Of course not. We must make our family more important than our other ministry demands.

3. Share Vision With Team – I think it is important to share your vision with your team. Share with them how you feel about hanging with students on their turf and ask them to help you accomplish this demand. Share it with them frequently until they are doing it and then share it some more.

4. Lastly, I would simply say to evaluate your schedule and have others help you evaluate. An honest evaluation will show you if you are neglecting your spouse, your children, or your ministry demands. When evaluating keep in mind that a healthy ministry only comes from a healthy leader who has a healthy personal and family life. A leader with an unhealthy personal and family life will eventually have an unhealthy ministry as well.

Crazy Times

It has been a long time since I last blogged.  Excuses I could make range from summer camp to mission trip preparations, to simply just being to busy to sit down and type on a computer.  However, the time has come for me to bite the bullet and get back to blogging.

My summer has been such an incredible God thing so far.  I took a group of our students to Student Life Camp where I witnessed our students bond together like never before, sharing life together, laughing together, learning together, and being very vulnerable together.  God was moving in our group for sure.  I have witnessed students erasing all the music on their I Pods that didn’t glorify God and fill the space with Christian music because they felt convicted while at camp.  God is moving.

Our mission trip to the Dominican Republic is just a few short weeks away.  The preparations for this trip are coming together and I can sense that God will once again do amazing things in the lives of his servants and will use us to reach out to the lost and hurting in the DR.

Summer is always a great experience for me in student ministry because I get to hang with students in a variety of different ways and experience life together outside of church.  I love summers. 

So what have you been doing this summer?  Have you seen God working around you?  In you?  Share with me so we can celebrate our summer together.

Jeff

Summer

Oh the wonderful days of summer are just around the corner.  Hanging out with friends, taking in the rays on the beach, staying up late and sleeping in until 1:00pm (or later).  Oh how those days were wonderful during my school days.

So what are you planning on doing this summer?  I encourage you to DIVERGE!  Join us at Northcliffe Baptist Church as we DIVERGE this summer.