How to Handle Confrontation
From my old blog…
Over the past 10 plus years in student ministry I have had my fair share of conflicts. With every conflict come confrontation. Confrontation is the only way to deal with any major conflict. Failure to confront an issue can result in having unhealthy staff relations, splintering leadership teams, and hurt individuals. Over the years I have learned valuable lessons on how to handle conflict and confrontation from my mentors, God’s Word, articles, and of course personal experience. Here are some steps to consider when dealing with conflict and confrontation.
1. Pray – I know it seems like the simple thing to say, but countless times I have found myself reacting to something without praying about it. I have talked to various youth leaders who are going through a conflict in their ministry and I ask them, “Have you prayed over this” and their response is something like, “I did when I first heard about it, but not really since.” Many times we get so busy doing things and “fixing” things that we forget to pray and ask God for His wisdom and His guidance in dealing with the situation.
2. Find a sounding board – Find someone who you can simply share openly with and allow yourself to rant a little about the situation. You will be surprised at how God sometimes will speak to you as you are speaking out loud regarding the situation. This person should be a very trusted and confidential source. Someone you already share life with and who you know will not share what you speak of.
3. Get advice from others – God tells us that if we lack wisdom then all we have to do is ask for it. I believe that many times God give me wisdom during my prayer time, but He has also granted me wisdom through talking to my sounding board or by talking to my pastor or other wise individuals in my church family. Seek wisdom from those who have been there before you.
4. Write out your thoughts – This may vary from issue to issue and will be dependent upon the serverity of the issue. For me I have written out many conflict analysis over the years but I have also simply skipped this step because it wasn’t necessary for the issue at hand. Writing out your thoughts either word for word or in outline form will give you an aid to use when you begin to discuss the issue.
5. Get the facts – We all know that there are two sides to every story. In fact, as my experience has shown me I find that depending on the issue we may even find more than two sides to the story. Take the time to research and get the facts straight before making your decision.
6. Make an action plan – What steps are you going to take next? Is discipline needed and if so what type? Do you need to have a meeting with parents or entire families? Make a plan of your next steps so you can easily follow through.
7. Discuss the conflict – When you reach this step be prepared to talk about the conflict and stay away from attacking the person or family. Even if what they did was stupid – avoid telling them that they are stupid. It doesn’t help the situation at all. Address the issue only.
8. Take the high road – in almost every confrontation I have ever been a part of, the opportunity has come up where I could have defended myself and said some things that would have been hurtful (but true) about the other people involved. Taking the high road means to let them speak and share their anger or frustration and swallow your desire to “retaliate”.
9. Forgive as Christ forgives – We as leaders must model this. Even if the conflict has hurt you or the ministry that God has given to you we must forgive those involved. We must seek to have all parties in the conflict forgive each other but we also must understand that not everyone will at first, if at all. We must model the forgiveness and let God work in the hearts of others.
10. Evaluate – After every major (and minor) conflict we should take time to evaluate the process. We must ask tough questions and be real with our answers. Did I handle the conflict in a Biblical manner? Did I gossip about this to anyone? Did I treat all parties with love and respect? Am I at fault for this issue? What can I learn from this conflict that can make me better in the future?
Two warnings when dealing with confrontation:
1. Avoid the online discussions – keep conflict offline. Once something is posted online it’s viral and can create many more problems. When you see conflict online, attempt to get it offline and discussing it person to person. When I say online I am referring to social networking sites as well as texting and email. Anything that take the emotion out of the conversation is dangerous and can cause major problems. Healthy confrontation happens person to person where emotions are heard and seen.
2. Protect your spouse – Be sure that you are not placing your spouse in the battle zone by what you are sharing with them. Our spouses are our #1 supporter in ministry – this means that when they feel that we are being attacked, they can easily become our #1 defender and thus becoming an enemy of those who we are working to deal with the conflict. Be sure your spouse is safe and not in the battle field.
This blog was written as part of the following blog: http://www.studentministry.org
